Darkness of Life

Another late night! Another night with so much to do but not sure where to start or perhaps where to end. It’s pitch-dark outside. Rainy. Windy. She stares outside the window, but looking back at her is just a reflection on the glass.
Hoping to clear her mind a bit, she turns to music. But those sad songs together with the rhythm of the rain drops don’t seem to help. They just take her from one dark corner of life to another. Oh her heart aches!

Trying to alleviate her headache and heartache, she sits there quietly in the cold dark night, holding onto a hot cup of coffee, counting the rain drops, searching for a long lost star of hope…
No regrets! She keeps reminding herself of that.
But there are times she finds herself remembering certain moments, certain things that she has done, and she can’t help it but feels embarrassed of. Oh what a fool she has been! Oh how silly! At those times, the mixed and conflicted feelings overwhelm her. Is it regret? Is it disappointment? Is it sadness? Is it shame? Or is it simply just the flavor of life? Whatever it is, if she has to make a choice, she will most likely do it again. But why?
She hates it each time she returns to the old place. The place used to bring her laughter and happiness now is just a strange and distant place reek with sad memories or perhaps sad illusions. Each time she returns, she curses herself for her own pathetic weakness. Why returning? A bad habit. What is she looking for? Nothing. What is she still waiting for? Nothing. What she once thinks will remain flawless through time just taking its toll on her, eating her up slowly. The pain and agony bring out the worse in her, filling her heart with hatred and resentment. Perhaps the saying “it’s easy to love than to hate” is wrong, since love and hate are on the same spectrum of difficulty. As she becomes entangled in this love to hate, hate to love motions, the pain just seems to multiply. Hate or love, love or hate, it hurts the same. Perhaps it seems convenient to hate, because it forces her to bury these distant memories, to forget about them. Perhaps she can only end things by keep carrying on the hatred and resentment for the pain will numb the feelings. Out of sight, out of mind. Perhaps it is time for her to run away from it all. May she get the strength to not look back…